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18 Hilarious Jokes that Will Make Your Day

February 04, 2015 - Posted to Study

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I do not speak in the morning, nor do I acknowledge others, until I have at least one large mug of coffee in my gullet. Then, I attack the critical decisions for the day – do I take a real shower or do I wash myself from head-to-toe from the bathroom sink? Can I find a pair of socks to match the pants I plan to wear today, or do I have to go into that dark dryer place to find them? My mornings have not been pleasant.

One thing I have found that helps my morning gloom is very funny jokes, so I have several websites that I can visit and find jokes of the day – jokes that often make me actually laugh out loud without the whole coffee mug emptied.

I can then share these hilarious jokes – on Facebook and with co-workers. In fact, it has now come to the point that my “followers” insist upon my funny short jokes every day, and, if I should miss a morning, they are angry.

Over time, I have developed a repertoire of the funniest jokes ever (in my opinion, of course) and will share them with you, dear reader!

the funniest jokes ever

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  • Two blonds walked up to the bar, announcing that they were there to celebrate a huge accomplishment. The bartender asked, “Well, what did you accomplish?” 

      “We put together a puzzle in two hours that said ‘3-6 months’ on the box!”

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  • The Polish ambassador to the UN announced that his country would be sending a manned space ship to the sun. “You can’t do that,” everyone screamed, “You’ll burn up!” “No we won’t,” he replied, “We are going at night!”

 

  • What has 8 arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud and watching a football game!

 

  • Why have Democrats stopped drinking? It interferes with their suffering!

 

  • Guy: “I love you so much, I could never live without you.”

        Girl: “Is that you or the beer talking?”

        Guy: “It’s me talking to my beer.”

 

  • Woman, showing a friend a new tablet, “Look what I got for my husband?”

        Friend: “Looks like a pretty good trade!”

 

  • The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

 

  • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go ride our bikes!

 

  • Last night I almost had a threesome – I only needed two more people!

 

  • How do you get a sweet little old lady to say the “F” word? Have some other little old lady yell, “Bingo!”

 

  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.

 

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you don’t need ti.

 

  • My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company

 

  • A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

       The grasshopper says, “Oh, you have a drink named Gary?”

 

  • Unexpected sex – it’s a great way to wake up…if you are not in prison!

 

  • Sometimes during the weekends, I drink some water – just to surprise my liver.

 

  • On a blind date, the gal and guy were sharing information. The guy said, “Once, a genie appeared and said I could have one wish – a longer penis or a better memory.”

      “Which did you choose?” said the gal.

      “I can’t remember.”

 

  • I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid – I thought you already knew it.

 

You probably have some better than these, but that’s kind of what it’s all about – sharing jokes everywhere is just more fun than griping and complaining!

 

 

 

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